Wonder what she's thinking about? (Credit: ThinkStock)
So remember back in the dark days of late December? It was cold and there was oh-so-little-daylight, but you spoon-fed yourself all high-minded ideas about how—as soon as you recovered from your hangover on January 1—you would be out there exercising all. the. time. You would be a force to be reckoned with! Running up stairs, preparing for a half-marathon, maybe even taking up kickboxing or punching hanging meat Rocky-style.
But then . . . oh then . . . there were drinks and Game of Thrones and comfy couches and suddenly running, ahem, ran by the wayside. Enter Claire Wyckoff, who’s got a workout plan that is redefining the term “inspirational"—it involves running in giant penis shapes and documenting them on social media.
How does she accomplish this phallus-y feat? Why, with the Nike+ running app, a “fitness app”—something we wouldn’t even have heard of were it not for dear Claire. Apparently it’s designed to “map your runs, track your progress, and get the motivation you need to keep going.” Huh.
All of this makes Claire our national fitness hero. And if you think we’re overstating the word “hero,” try this on for size: According to her Instagram, Claire's goal is, in fact, “trying to save the world.” (Take that, haters). Per an epic interview with SF Weekly, Claire opened up that she started running shapes simply because “it just seemed funny.” Why dicks, you ask? “I don’t think Nike intended for dicks. That’s funny to me.” Well, and to us.
Then again, we really don’t want to sell dear Claire short. She’s also drawn corgis, aliens and ghosts. She even got patriotic and attempted George Washington’s head—though she conceded it ended up looking more like a Mennonite. Her most complex pic was of a middle finger, which she titled “fuck cancer”—another sentiment we embrace! See? We told y’all Claire was a hero.
Truly though, not to make her feel cocky or anything, but her true specialty seems to be dicks. She’s documented quite the array! And from our perspective, the best part is that they are measured in miles. On her largest penis, she reveals: “I think the first one was big—that was a 5 mile penis.” Not that size matters, but yes, that is . . . large.
Finally, the question on all of our minds: Would she ever run a dick marathon? “Would I? Fuck yeah I would.”
God bless you, Claire.
That would probably even be enough for us to get it up (read: off the couch) for.
